...

fuck.

what the hell am I doing?

fuck.

So, the other night I find, much to my surprise, that someone had dug my car out of the snow. My first thought was that someone had called the university and complained that there was a snowball built by chevy taking up a parking spot and a half.  But then I realized that, not only was the car dug out, but was also cleaned off.  Someone had taken the time to brush all of the snow off of my car, and scrape my windows.

"Wow," he said through chattering teeth.

I was completely taken aback.  An act of altruism is pretty much unheard of in the company that I keep.  Most of the people that I know and consider friends are much too selfish or lazy to do such a thing.  This is not a bad thing, I am guilty of both of those.  Naturally, the suspicious bastard that I am, my thoughts turn to paranoia.  Like I said, kind acts don't just happen.  I thought someone was indeed up to something.

I seem to have been wrong.  That was a lot of effort, and nothing was expected in return.  Thank you, Gabe.

Alright.  I feel like spilling out a little, and since xanga is my "oft forgotten" blog, I thought I would lay something down.

I hope you enjoy it, I call it "BULLSHIT THAT FLOWS THROUGH SAM'S HEAD!"

The exclamation point is very important.

I just got back from a twelve hour day at work.  It pretty much sucked, but it reminded me of why I do what I do.  Through all of the planning, building, and generally fucking up, I found myself wondering why I just don't go back to retail.  The paychecks are steady.  The schedule, while not as flexible in the day to day, almost never has several two week periods where you can't take off upon penalty of death.  The work is less taxing, and it rarely requires you to think about things like "Did I secure that 300 lb. 12 foot platform well enough to let people walk on it?"  Those things just didn't happen while working at the gas station. 

But then there are days like today.  Days that renew me.  The day, as I said, pretty much sucked.  Today I built a box, adjusted a couple of pieces of silk, went through a long cue-to-cue, moved a harpsichord, and then went through an even longer rehearsal.  It was at the rehearsal that things started to pick up.  It was then that really provided me with the reassurance that this IS what I want to do with my life.  I can't even express how good it feels to be in the thick of a production.  That hectic time where you are one of about three people who actually know what is going on, and you are the only one in the position to fix problems.  I love to fix problems.  I never think as clearly as I do while weaving my way through actors stumbling in the dark, just to fix a lantern that one of them broke, so he can have it for his next scene.  I don't second guess myself, I don't think through the fifteen different ways to do something and proceed to pick the most difficult one, I just fix it.

Oddly enough, I don't have a problem delegating responsibility when it is something that I won't be around to do.  During, say, the load in last week, there were several paid crew members standing around while I was furiously tying knots to suspend a curtain.  Was it something that someone else could do?  Sure.  Was it that I didn't trust anyone else to do it? No.  The simple fact was, it needed to get done, and I was there.  I just went about getting it done.  It wasn't even a desicion for me, the thought of telling someone else to do it just never crossed my mind.

Why should I bother anyone else with doing work that I was perfectly capable of doing?  The answer is IT IS MY JOB TO.  So, in that respect, I am failing horribly at being a TD, and failing even more horribly at being a boss.

Ugh.  I hate that.  "Boss."  I never wanted to be the boss.  I just want to make the best short-term art that I can.  I am really not a fan of telling other people what to do.  I suppose, though, in my chosen profession, I really need to get over that. 

It's late.  I'm tired.  Goodnight, moon.

So....what have we learned?

We have learned that a large magnitude vow is very difficult to keep.  We have also learned that clinging to romantic idealism is quite easy, and dangerous.  As is (say it with me now, as it is the anthem of my life) reversion into self-delusion!

...

In other news, I need to get some sandwich fixin's.  I owe somebody one phenomenal sandwich.

...

not surprised, just dissapointed.  Seems like such a waste.